Trigun Advice
by SiriousB1
Summary: Considering this anime is packed full of humor, violence and minions, it comes as no surprise that some characters feel a little lost at times. How do these victims get out of trouble? Only with the best (and worst) advice possible.
1. Monev the Gale

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Thank you to Pudding333 for your character question idea.  
  
Dear SiriousB1,  
  
I am a body builder. I lift weights 24/7. (Well, I used to. I just really wanted to kill someone so I dedicated all my time to improving my muscle.) Anyway, since I started lifting weights, I can't stop! I don't do it constantly as I used to, but still fairly often. My muscles keep growing and growing! I can lift five elephants without even breaking a sweat. A lot of the people that I know (I won't call them my friends because I hate everyone) call me "Mr. Beefy" because of my physique and it really pisses me off. What can I do to get people to lay off about my physical build?  
  
From,  
My Clothes are to Tight  
  
P.S.  
Don't tell me to stop lifting weights, because I seriously can't!  
  
Dear Too Tight,  
  
Mr. Beefy? Wasn't that the name of the dog from the Adam Sandler movie? What was it called? Oh yeah...Little Nicky. (That was a kick ass movie!!) So, anyway, why are these people calling you a dog that comes from Hell who is addicted to going to strip clubs and wasting all his money on booze and sex? That makes no sense to me! Anyway, if you really aren't going to quit lifting weights, you could always build your own exercising machine like Tony Little. Or, you could work at a gym or enter into the next summer Olympics. That way, weight lifting and being physically fit would be your profession and people can't make fun of you for that. Just for kicks, you could find out when the next episode of Jerry Springer has a topic on "How much muscle is too much muscle?" and be the star. However, that might just make people make fun of you more, but at least you'll get some more advice from professionals on how to quit.   
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1

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A/N: Okay, well, since FF.net has "cleaned up its act", so to speak, I decided I'd try re-posting my advice columns. For those of you who have magically read them before, you might remember them all suddenly disappearing from existance. Well, some readers who were deeply offended by my use of language and sardonic tones reported me and my stories were removed. Sadly, many of them were lost forever because I neglected to buy Norton and I got a virus on my computer, deleting all of my Word documents. However, I have Norton now and I am searching my room for random scraps of paper that might possibly contain saved notes from the columns. Feel free to send advice questions (in a specific character or not) via FF.net's review system or my e-mail (siriousb1yahoo.com); I am always looking for things to do other than pay attention during Health class, so this is a critical step! Thank you for listening to this retarded rambling; hope you enjoyed it. 


	2. Meryl and Vash

Thank you to Dragon's Lover for your character and idea.  
  
Dear SiriousB1,  
  
I love this one guy, right? I mean, really, really love him! But, I don't know how to tell him, or if he even feels the same way! How can I admit my undying love for him without making him think I'm crazy?  
  
See ya!  
Short Insurance Girl  
  
Dear Short,  
  
I seem to be getting a lot of love questions lately…If he thinks your crazy because of your feelings, then he is just a stud who sells himself and no way in hell does he deserve you. Just tell him openly about your feelings. Afterwards, you'll either kiss him or knee him in the balls. (Hey, sounds good any way you go!)  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1

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Thank you to Ah-choo and Uriko for their idea and character.  
  
Dear SiriousB1,  
  
I can't help but eat donuts constantly. Whenever I pass a Krispy Kreme shop, I have to stop in and get a dozen glazed and a dozen variety. It's rather sad, but most of them don't make it ten steps without disappearing! (Well, they do, but by that time they're in my stomach.) I'm addicted to them. I'm addicted to donuts!! I am very worried about my sugar and fat intake, but I can't stop eating those warm, succulent, sweet breakfast and desert foods!! I eat them plain every once in a while, but I like the others better. How can I get over my love for donuts?  
  
Yours truly,  
Blonde Donut Lover  
  
Dear Donut,  
  
Um, you could try hypnosis. Well, I seem to be suggesting that to everyone, but I couldn't just say that you should not eat donuts, now could I? Oh, wait! Good idea! Find someone who is really smart (God knows where you'd find one of those people…) and get them to make some sort of mechanism that gives you an electric shock every time you think about eating a donut. Have fun with that…   
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1 


	3. Wolfwood, Knives and KuroNeko

Thank you to Torisakura for your character idea.   
  
Dear SiriousB1,  
  
I am a priest. Got that? But I'm not that bad of a priest! Sure, I smoke, drink, am in love with this girl, and kill things, but I still help the children! But, despite all of my good deeds towards these children, people still accuse me of molesting them! That scandal happened a long time ago and I never participated in those kinds of "activities". How can I convince people that I don't molest little boys?  
  
Amen,  
Not That Kind of Priest  
  
Dear Priest,  
  
I guess that we can put aside all of the bad things you do and put forth the fact that you love someone. Since you love someone, I'm assuming that this means that you get out a bit. Priests and monks only screwed those little boys because they were the only people available at the time. Ask this girl to marry you and then you can both get wedding rings. Then, when people see the ring, they'll know that you're married. Or gay. The latter won't help this rumor much, so let's pray for the previous…  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1

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Dear SiriousB1,  
  
I have a big problem. I am a killer. I enjoy killing and am very good at it. But that's not the problem. The problem is that blood makes me squeamish. I don't know why, but ever since killing my brother became my number one priority, my stomach churns at the slightest sight of blood. What can I do to get over my fear of blood?  
  
Yours truly,  
Hemophobic Murderer   
  
Dear Hemophobic Murderer,  
  
I do believe that those are two words that should never be used together. Maybe all those years of killing people finally caught up with you. I suppose you could try not killing people for a while and then try it again. Maybe a hibernation of sorts will make your problem go away. I also have gotten back good results from those other characters who I recommended seeing a hypnotist. You could try that!  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1

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Dear SiriousB1,  
  
Meow, meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow, meow meow, meow meow, meow meow meow meow. Meow meow meow!  
  
From,  
Kuro-Neko  
  
(For those of you can't speak Cat-ish, the above reads as follows: "I want chicken, I want liver, meow mix, meow mix, please deliver. Meow Mix now!")  
  
Dear Kuro-Neko,  
  
AAAHHHH!!! Get away!! Get the fuck away from me! AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! Somebody help! Ahh!! Somebody help me please! Stun it! No, kill it, kill it!! AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!  
  
Not to Sincerely,  
SiriousB1  
  
P.S.  
Can you tell I'm not a big cat person? 


End file.
